| If you are a family member who deals with
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| | about and for your family member who is
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| another's mental illness, chances are
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| | suffering mental illness.
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| your life can get very full and often
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| | 3. Boundaries will set a precedent of
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| confusing. I hope this article about
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| | honesty and integrity, and free your mind
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| healthy boundaries helps.
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| | for more important issues.
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| OK, so your life has changed. Things are
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| | Here are possible options for dealing
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| a bit different after the diagnosis of a
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| | with the drop-in traffic:
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| family member's illness. It could be a
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| | 1. Do nothing. Continue to cope with an
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| daughter with bi-polar, a husband with
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| | open door policy even though you don't
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| clinical depression or your own sudden
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| | want uninvited guests and feel
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| experiences with panic disorder. These
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| | increasingly angry that people just stop
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| circumstances happen every year to
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| | by.
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| millions of Americans and family members
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| | 2. Hide in the closet whenever someone
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| -- the "affected others" -- need to
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| | knocks, hoping that they'll eventually
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| adjust and compensate for this new
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| | give up and miraculously
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| situation.
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| | disappear......... until tomorrow.
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| Presumably, if you are an affected other,
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| | 3. Develop and implement a new boundary.
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| you have the professional medical support
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| | This may seem like a lot of work, but the
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| you need to help your loved one. But
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| | truth is the amount of energy you spend
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| you're realizing that still things do not
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| | NOT dealing with this problem is probably
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| work as smoothly as they did before. This
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| | doing more to complicate your already
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| is hard! Learning how to implement
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| | complicated life.
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| boundaries and raising your personal
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| | How do you implement a boundary?
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| standards are good ways of "surviving"
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| | 1. Review your daily life and decide what
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| another's mental illness. Some things
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| | issue is bothering you. Then think about
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| that used to be OK in your life suddenly
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| | ways to stop the issue from happening. In
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| are just too much. This is to be expected
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| | our example, the drop-in traffic is the
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| -- but not tolerated. Let's consider a
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| | issue.
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| typical problem that most people face at
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| | 2. Next write down what you will say to
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| some time in their life: people who drop
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| | your friend and deliver your message in a
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| by your home without notice.
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| | friendly, clear, but firm manner. Your
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| Some people don't mind drop-in traffic.
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| | conversation may go something like this:
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| However, at some point you may feel
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| | "Suzy, I wanted to talk to you today
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| overwhelmed by this prospect since you
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| | because I've decided something and want
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| are now dealing with the new challenges
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| | to let you know what it is because it
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| of a family member's mental illness. If
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| | affects you. Since Jamie's diagnosis I've
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| you used to be fine with drop-in guests
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| | really been overwhelmed with everything.
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| but now find them overwhelming, you may
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| | I think I'm starting to calm down but I
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| want to implement a new "boundary" to
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| | really need to do a few things to take
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| improve your life and reduce your stress.
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| | care of me. I am asking all my friends
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| Without boundaries, you're constantly
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| | and family to call me before dropping by.
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| tiptoeing around hoping your friend Suzy
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| | I'm hoping this will allow me to schedule
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| doesn't suddenly pop in to "dump" all her
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| | my time better, have more down time and
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| woes on you. Caring for and worrying
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| | generally feel more in control of my
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| about your own family member can be a 24
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| | schedule. Would that be OK with you?"
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| 7 preoccupation - do you really want to
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| | Of course, you will have to adjust your
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| share the little time you may have left
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| | "message" for the person you speak to,
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| with Suzy, on her timetable? Most people
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| | because, let's face it, you may not want
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| fall short in the department of
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| | to ask certain people "Would that be OK
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| understanding what personal standards and
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| | with you?"! You may need to make the
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| boundaries have to do with "surviving
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| | statement and ask them to follow your
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| mental illness". When your life changes
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| | request.
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| after a diagnosis, it is important to
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| | Finally, it is important to understand
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| review your life and decide which
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| | that how your message is received cannot
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| activities are acceptable and which are
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| | be your worry. Some people are bound to
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| not. In the above example of allowing
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| | get upset, ask for details, and want to
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| friends and neighbors to simply stop by
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| | know what's going on with you.....blah,
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| anytime they like, you may feel that this
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| | blah, blah. Remember, this new boundary
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| is just too much, given your new
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| | is for YOU -- something to improve your
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| circumstances.
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| | life and well-being. This is not about
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| Here are my top three reasons to install
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| | them. So allow them to feel the way they
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| boundaries:
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| | do and stick to your guns. The new
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| 1. Boundaries will decrease your stress
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| | freedom and energy that will result from
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| level.
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| | raising your standards and implementing a
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| 2. Boundaries will allow you to take care
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| | boundary will be palatable!
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| of YOU so you have more time to care
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