| If you are a family member who deals with another's | | | | family member who is suffering mental illness. |
| mental illness, chances are your life can get very full | | | | 3. Boundaries will set a precedent of honesty and |
| and often confusing. I hope this article about healthy | | | | integrity, and free your mind for more important |
| boundaries helps. | | | | issues. |
| OK, so your life has changed. Things are a bit | | | | Here are possible options for dealing with the drop-in |
| different after the diagnosis of a family member's | | | | traffic: |
| illness. It could be a daughter with bi-polar, a husband | | | | 1. Do nothing. Continue to cope with an open door |
| with clinical depression or your own sudden | | | | policy even though you don't want uninvited guests |
| experiences with panic disorder. These circumstances | | | | and feel increasingly angry that people just stop by. |
| happen every year to millions of Americans and | | | | 2. Hide in the closet whenever someone knocks, |
| family members -- the "affected others" -- need to | | | | hoping that they'll eventually give up and miraculously |
| adjust and compensate for this new situation. | | | | disappear......... until tomorrow. |
| Presumably, if you are an affected other, you have | | | | 3. Develop and implement a new boundary. This may |
| the professional medical support you need to help | | | | seem like a lot of work, but the truth is the amount |
| your loved one. But you're realizing that still things do | | | | of energy you spend NOT dealing with this problem |
| not work as smoothly as they did before. This is | | | | is probably doing more to complicate your already |
| hard! Learning how to implement boundaries and | | | | complicated life. |
| raising your personal standards are good ways of | | | | How do you implement a boundary? |
| "surviving" another's mental illness. Some things that | | | | 1. Review your daily life and decide what issue is |
| used to be OK in your life suddenly are just too | | | | bothering you. Then think about ways to stop the |
| much. This is to be expected -- but not tolerated. | | | | issue from happening. In our example, the drop-in |
| Let's consider a typical problem that most people | | | | traffic is the issue. |
| face at some time in their life: people who drop by | | | | 2. Next write down what you will say to your friend |
| your home without notice. | | | | and deliver your message in a friendly, clear, but firm |
| Some people don't mind drop-in traffic. However, at | | | | manner. Your conversation may go something like |
| some point you may feel overwhelmed by this | | | | this: "Suzy, I wanted to talk to you today because |
| prospect since you are now dealing with the new | | | | I've decided something and want to let you know |
| challenges of a family member's mental illness. If you | | | | what it is because it affects you. Since Jamie's |
| used to be fine with drop-in guests but now find | | | | diagnosis I've really been overwhelmed with |
| them overwhelming, you may want to implement a | | | | everything. I think I'm starting to calm down but I |
| new "boundary" to improve your life and reduce your | | | | really need to do a few things to take care of me. I |
| stress. | | | | am asking all my friends and family to call me before |
| Without boundaries, you're constantly tiptoeing | | | | dropping by. I'm hoping this will allow me to schedule |
| around hoping your friend Suzy doesn't suddenly pop | | | | my time better, have more down time and generally |
| in to "dump" all her woes on you. Caring for and | | | | feel more in control of my schedule. Would that be |
| worrying about your own family member can be a | | | | OK with you?" |
| 24/7 preoccupation - do you really want to share the | | | | Of course, you will have to adjust your "message" |
| little time you may have left with Suzy, on her | | | | for the person you speak to, because, let's face it, |
| timetable? Most people fall short in the department | | | | you may not want to ask certain people "Would that |
| of understanding what personal standards and | | | | be OK with you?"! You may need to make the |
| boundaries have to do with "surviving mental illness". | | | | statement and ask them to follow your request. |
| When your life changes after a diagnosis, it is | | | | Finally, it is important to understand that how your |
| important to review your life and decide which | | | | message is received cannot be your worry. Some |
| activities are acceptable and which are not. In the | | | | people are bound to get upset, ask for details, and |
| above example of allowing friends and neighbors to | | | | want to know what's going on with you.....blah, blah, |
| simply stop by anytime they like, you may feel that | | | | blah. Remember, this new boundary is for YOU -- |
| this is just too much, given your new circumstances. | | | | something to improve your life and well-being. This is |
| Here are my top three reasons to install boundaries: | | | | not about them. So allow them to feel the way they |
| 1. Boundaries will decrease your stress level. | | | | do and stick to your guns. The new freedom and |
| 2. Boundaries will allow you to take care of YOU so | | | | energy that will result from raising your standards and |
| you have more time to care about and for your | | | | implementing a boundary will be palatable! |